Fissuring

When a car leaves or enters joliet prison in Illinois, it must stop over this slot in the earth where a guard stands and looks up to see if any contraband or humans are hiding under the vehicle.

I feel like this fissure today, trapped but free nonetheless. Stuck in the ground but able to function, on a primal level. People who are free and people who are not trample right over me. I will accomplish all I need to today, but who is really upstairs in the old noggin I'm not sure. It's possible the moon is full, but I haven't seen the sky in several days, it's been dank and snowy. Pretty snow I guess. But my toes are cold.

I believe I have a condition called agitated depression. I just looked it up. It fits. I am not depressed, but I am agitated into a state of inertia. I have much to do, but will not do any of it, only what is essential. Bad time for this. I will give my son a bowl of cookies. I made him some strawberry milk. He'd rather be playing drums, but I turned on rudolphs shiny new year. This makes me sad. But I'm not sure where to go from here. I took two St John's Wort's last night, I think I was anticipating this. But it hasn't seemed to make a difference... or what would I be like if I hadn't?

It's Christmas time dammit. I should be really really grateful. My kids are amazing. My husband is amazing. I am amazed even at myself.

Today a new part of my year begins, a program I taught is coming to an end and a new one will begin this evening. I hate to admit it, but I am dreading it. I want to stay home with my family! We can have hot chocolate and play drums. Ah but I know this trap. Once home the extreme agitation sets in. Malcontent. How frustrating, is that why I work so much, so I don't notice how incredibly agitated I get once I am static? Would I be happier if I took some drugs? Some meds? Some pharmaceuticals? I am really divided on this, but I know I will try it soon enough.

I need to experience contentment. I am rarely, if ever, content. Why is that? What is it like? How long does it last? Is it boring? I'd love to know. I need a drug called contentment. How much does it cost? Was I ever content? Have I always been like this?

I scoffed at contentment when I was younger. I can't quite remember why! ~ I looked down on the condition. I thought it was homely or something. Too complacent. But I need it now, at least I think I do. What do you think?